The beauty of having kids

Clarence and Jocelyn Cai (seated, left) with their six children and Clarence’s parents (seated, right) during the filming of CFL’s mission video. Photo: Catholic Family Life.

Singapore’s fertility rate fell to an all-time low of 1.05 in 2022. This was highlighted during the Singapore Budget 2023 debate in February when various initiatives were announced to encourage married couples to have children.

For Mrs Audrey Sim and her husband this statistic was not as shocking as they were part of it. Married for almost two years, they had talked about starting a family but decided to put this off until their Build-To-Order flat was ready. In the words of Mrs Sim, who is in her 30s and from a parish in the Serangoon District:

This is because, like many other young couples, we face fears about finances, juggling work, personal and family life, and the dissonance between the kind of life we want for our children and the reality of what we can provide. Furthermore, having worked with children with special needs and paediatric health conditions, I could not help but worry that my child might have the same conditions. Many questions swirled in our heads. Do we have what it takes not just to feed, clothe and school our child but to raise one that is emotionally and psychologically healthy as well?

Raising a family demands money, sacrifice, and the scariest of them all – embracing uncertainties. The unknown is terrifying, and it is the very thing we tried hard (and with great futility) to eradicate from our life. Indeed, embarking on something this immense would need some form of guarantee that things will be alright!

However, the privilege of meeting with three different families during the filming of Catholic Family Life’s mission video ‘The Love of Family’ was perhaps God’s way of nudging me to see that the beauty of family is not so much in a life of certainty and bliss, but rather in walking the unknowns of life together as one. The families we met during the filming had their challenges, but they all spoke about their experiences with the joy and love that could only have come through enduring adversities together. Here are three takeaways I had from them:

Kids changing us

It is common to hear about couples having too little time and energy for each other after becoming parents. With more responsibilities and needs to attend to, I wondered how it would change my marriage and our familiar routines as a couple. I was convinced that having children would end the romance.

However, it surprised me when we visited Clarence and Jocelyn Cai’s family to find that they are still very much in love with each other even after six children! It struck me that it is entirely possible to have a fulfilling marriage that is equally focused on each other and the children. Being part of the Couple Empowerment Programme (CEP) community helps Clarence and Jocelyn on their relationship journey. Support from their ‘village’, such as Clarence’s parents, who live with them, also allows them time to be together as a couple. I have come to see that having children will indeed change my marriage, but not for the worse. Parenting six children had certainly given the Cai family much joy and laughter!

Acceptance not perfection

Beneath many of my fears lies the desire to be a perfect parent. As I listened to the sharing of the Jeraled family during the interview, I realised that raising three children, including one with special needs, certainly took a lot of work. It was a testimony that showed me that love demands the gift of self. Linus and Rosalind Jeraled, and their two children have had to make sacrifices and learn to embrace their special needs child/sibling.

Being there for one another through different seasons and holding on to their faith in God showed me how beauty and goodness emerge most clearly through their struggles. In Rosalind’s words, “Family doesn’t mean everybody is perfect. You accept the differences to tell them, ‘I still love you as you are’.”

Trusting God

During the interview with the Ho family, Elizabeth’s heartfelt words gave me a sense of comfort and assurance, “Raising a kid is not a walk in the park. There are many ups and downs. I’m grateful that I have God, and can always turn to Him.”

It dawned on me then that I had left God entirely out of the picture this whole time! The pros and cons of having children ultimately boiled down to one question – “Can I trust God to walk this journey with my husband and me?”

While I cannot be sure of anything else in parenthood, the one thing I can place my trust and confidence in is that God will be with me. So, as I continue to ask the Lord to help me be open to His plans, I am challenged to entrust my fears and hopes to Him. As 1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.”

Contributed by Catholic Family Life.

Click here to watch CFL’s mission video ‘The Love of Family’.