CEP Couple : Jason and Andrea
Cardinal William Goh described Christian marriage as a beautiful sign of the union of Christ and His Church at the Feb 5 Heart-to-Heart dialogue themed Marriage: Relevant? Impossible?
But when Couple Empowerment Programme facilitators Jason and Andrea Choong rose to talk about their work with newlyweds, they drew laughter and knowing nods from the audience when they confessed that “in 27 years [of marriage], we still fight like crazy.”
Conflict is unavoidable since marriage is the lifelong union of two people with different backgrounds and priorities, and Jason and Andrea observed one key indicator of whether a couple will thrive is not the frequency or areas of conflict, but how they argue.
As Jason put it, “the trick is not to fight to win for yourself, but to fight to win for your marriage.”
Fighting on the same side
Andrea explained that the goal of ‘fighting’ was to know each other better, not to batter the spouse with hurtful words until he or she gave in.
Emotions can run high when a couple disagrees over major life issues such as whose parents to live with, whether or not to have a child, or if they should move abroad.
Rephrasing the issue as ‘What is better for the family?’ reminds spouses they are on the same team and must take each other’s needs into account.
From the dawn of Creation, God intended the union of husband and wife to be so total that they become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) for life. This is why Saint Paul reminds husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28).
Compromise is not always possible. Sometimes, one spouse seems to have ‘won’.
But when each party feels secure enough in the marriage to voice an honest opinion and knows the other spouse takes it seriously, it is the marriage – not the individual – which has ‘won’.
Fighting in the Church
Relationships between Christians are rarely as intimate as that of husband and wife, but St Paul uses an equally fleshy metaphor for the Church community, reminding us that “you are the body of Christ, and individually members of it” (1 Corinthians 12:27).
Sadly, divisions within the Church can lead Catholics to view their brethren as the foe.
This was apparent during the recently-concluded Synod on Synodality, where some groups lobbied hard for revolutionary change to further their agendas.
This was in direct opposition to the Synod’s goal of encouraging Catholics worldwide to listen to one another and discern honestly where the Holy Spirit was leading the Church.
Aiming for Christ’s Church to win – rather than the narrow interests of any faction – can help local Catholics ‘fight better’, whether at next month’s Archdiocesan Assembly or in their own church communities.
Reflecting on these aspects can help:
- Does my stance honour Church teaching and serve the common good?
- Am I listening to understand or to oppose?
- Do past grudges or power struggles affect the way we see this issue?
Frequent prayer and fellowship also remind us that we are interacting with members of the same body, not with enemies or abstract ideas to be defeated.
Even saints fought
Disagreements between spouses, or Christians, should not leave us disillusioned with marriage or the Church.
Christ’s first followers were no strangers to fighting. These ranged from childish squabbles over which disciple was the greatest (Luke 22:24), to pastoral debates on whether Gentile converts should observe Jewish laws (Acts 15).
We can draw inspiration from Saints Peter and Paul, the apostles who led the early Church’s efforts to integrate Jews and Gentiles into one Christian community.
They had to discern which Jewish practices – such as circumcision and separation from non-Jews – were essential to Christian identity (Galatians 2).
Neither man was concerned with ‘winning’ for himself. Since both wanted Christ to ‘win’, they refused to let their disagreements distract them from their shared mission of evangelisation.
Dionysius, a second-century bishop, recorded that Saints Peter and Paul “taught together in like manner in Italy, and suffered martyrdom at the same time.”
It was through apostles like these that the early Christian community became not just “one body”, but “one heart and soul” (Acts 4:32).
Estella Young is a guest correspondent for Catholic News.
Click here to read the article on Catholic News website :
https://catholicnews.sg/2025/02/14/fighting-the-good-fight/
Click here to watch the event on youtube:
https://youtu.be/GBt5PcF3m7E?si=PN7gPeOxQzT5TKm0